Drive wit it.

So. As a few of you may know, approximately once a year I muster up enough... something to make a post in my blog. I have this... complex. I like to quit things and leave places and fuck myself over and such so that I remain virginal. I dunno. I've been saying to people that right now I am working at sitting tight and rooting. Something I've learned though about myself, for better or worse, is that seeing is believing. Fine!

Sigh. Cornfields fly by outside the window. The AC blasts, and only my arm is cold. Somewhere in the buzz of the engine and the blaring of 80's hits I hear the familiar sound of my mother responding to shocking news on the telephone. We've been driving for almost 20 hours, shaking off the echoes of erie Colorado.

Funny, at this point in the drive a sort of blissful resignation sets in. The mania, the stress, the boredom, they've come and gone. I put my hair in a ponytail and entertain my mother and brother. Once I've worn it out I think, I want to blog and share this inspiration... That blossoming love feeling that the cure's music exists to worship. Suddenly I'm every character in every movie looking out the car window at passing time, passing life, appreciating.

And all the time I think about myself, every chance, every little space. I fill them all with Brodious wonderment.

I've been reading anais nin. Her diary. It is just so amazing. I read it and relate to it like a novel. Oh, I'm so much June, craving orgies of all types at all times, seeking constant escape from the power of my own being. But I am also Henry and anais herself. Just like in fiction I become a mosaic of all i take in. This work just seems so crafted, so planned, didactic. I can't believe it is a diary. I find reaffirmation for the notion that each person resonates certain karmic themes in everything they do. Then it occurs to me, she must have had another diary. A REAL, secret diary.

But it gives. Like I want to.

Everyone is a lock to be turned, and there exists one key. It is compassion.

I invite you, all the rest, to invite me to leap into the pit of choice. I feel a great churning and compressing in my gut. I think I will create something diamond like very soon. I need to be reminded to share it, I can so easily reside in fear, withholding myself.

I am so much what I must be free of.

Love me
Love you

B